Ersatz
by Overlord Kurama
Summary: She chooses him because they're both aching, both wanting someone they could never have; and it terrifies her thinking that the only reason he agreed was not because he understood that, but because he didn't know how to say "no".


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Mana Khemia, and by the way I'm thoroughly unhappy with this. Not. Happy.

**Pairing: **Jess/Vayne, strongly implied Vayne/Roxis and Jess/Nikki

**Summary: **_She chooses him because they're both aching, both wanting someone they could never have; and it terrifies her thinking that the only reason he agreed was not because he understood that, but because he didn't know how to say "no"._

**Warnings: **Strongly implied but not-really-described sex (and author-squick), strange tense shifts, and gaaahitseemssoOOC

**Author's Note: **…Why? Why, why, why? I hate this pairing! I love Vayne and Jess as best friends, but hate the idea of them as a pairing--so _why?_ Blargh! I guess this idea came from too much pondering about the more depressing endings of my two Mana Khemia OTPs. This is like a bad ending to That One Fic, which I definitely prefer to _this, _especially because you have probably all seen this situation before. Yet here I am writing it. _Blargh. _Rushed this and wrote it choppily just to get it out of my head. Why am I even _posting _this?

**Ersatz**

"Jess, what are you doing?"

Vayne looked terrified. It was painful to look at--she concentrated on his clothes instead, fumbling with his uniform and all its flaps, buckles, belts. He wasn't even squirming. She wished he had. It might have snapped her back to her senses. No, he was just _staring_ at her, and he only spoke again when she had managed to open up his collar.

"Jess… what are you doing…?"

His voice was quiet, shaky. Child-like, almost. He should be too old to sound like that anymore. He _should _be. It hurt. It made this more painful than it had to be.

"Please just go along with this, Vayne. Please, for me. And for you too."

She couldn't look him in the eye, because she knew that terrified expression was still on his face. It was all over his body, in his thin, tensed shoulders, in his skin that flinched the second it was exposed to her, not even when she touched it; in those subtle shifts of his legs, desperately wanting to move closer to the wall, further from her, but staying rooted in place because _she _was desperate too. She couldn't get away from seeing that fear, so she shut her eyes, and begged.

"I'm going to lose her tomorrow. Please, Vayne. I want to try and pretend that she doesn't want that to happen. I want to pretend I could have something like this with her. I want…"

But she knew Vayne didn't understand, and wouldn't, until she mentioned one word--one name.

"… the same thing you wanted with Roxis."

His shoulders fell, his throat seized up, and the choked noise he let out told her yes, yes, he understood.

She chose him because of that, really. Not because he was her best friend, not because she knew he would forgive her for it, but because they were both aching, wanting someone they could never have. But she hoped he would still be her best friend as always, hoped he would forgive her for being so foolish, more foolish than they both had been for hopelessly loving and refusing to let go.

It would have made more sense to choose another girl. It would have hurt less to choose someone she didn't care about so much, or someone who didn't feel like such an innocent that she was breaking him and taking away from him by doing this…

But she tried to remember that he understood like no one else would, he had listened to her cry and shared in those tears, and that was why, that was why he nodded.

It terrified her too much to think that the only reason he agreed was because he didn't know how to say "no".

He had no idea what to do, so she led him. It was awkward. He didn't like to look at her, he was scared of touching her, and she had to push herself to show him examples. Put your hand here. Move your fingers like this. I'll move. You don't have to watch me. Think of Roxis. Think of Roxis, Vayne, as hard as you can.

She did _try_ to look at him, and did try to fool herself into thinking he might have been a girl, might have felt something like Nikki. Vayne was delicate enough, yet still male, too male, but was contradictorily too smooth--his skin was inhumanly soft, with none of the roughness and wild thrill of fur and limb Nikki would--should--have. She probably made it even harder for him to imagine Roxis; perhaps all she had of him was long hair, as she could only guess from the way he clung to it, eyes wound so tightly shut he looked _pained. _But he managed to see him, straining his imagination to its limit, and when she closed her eyes, she eventually managed to see her too, fleetingly. Weren't they supposed to be good at pretending?

Nikki wouldn't be this awkward. Roxis would be rougher. Nikki would… Roxis would…

Claws, teeth--

Bites, growls--

She would be grinning, tickling, playing--

He would be smirking, claiming, marking--

No, no, _no_.

They were both seeing something more animalistic, she knew, this wasn't enough, but they weren't going to try any harder, because _Nikki_ would, and _Roxis _would, if they ever…

Ever…

Roxis' name was the only word Vayne said.

Release came and faded in fragile, empty seconds, and something in Vayne collapsed with it, because he was shaking, trembling helplessly and murmuring sorries as quickly as he could under his breath, and she had to hold him, and tell him it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault… Don't you remember, I was the one who asked you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He suddenly felt so very small in her arms, a child once again, such a very small child. She rubbed his back, petted his hair, and there in that awkward embrace she cried for them, broken things both.

"_He's going to be traveling the world."_

"_She's getting married."_

"_I tried to tell him… I couldn't speak."_

"_I told her… and she rejected me."_

"_I wish I could have--I wish you could have--"_

"_I know. Me too. But… your wishes can't come true just because you want them to, Vayne."_

"… _I know."_


End file.
